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Sunday, March 24th, 2002
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6:45 pm - AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
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I am completely convinced that you can go insane from simply thinking too much. For the past 7 days or so I can't stop thinking about my regrets. There are so many things I wish I would have done, or I keep on thinking why things went wrong... I mean fuck!!!
I definately regret CALEB- I do not like him. He has been such an ass to me. But yet I am still sexually attracted to him, which is just fucking weird. I find it hard enough to pass him in the hallway, much less speak to him. But anyhow... I wrote him one of those regretable letters, the kind where you say the things you thought you didn't have the courage to say. Apparently I did. I didn't think I was going to write him back, but then at the baseball field he was like 'oh sara, i wrote you a letter, but its in my other pants'
So I've been pondering over it all weekend. I am pretty convinced that its going to be some crushing thing thats gonna make me resent most men like its always been with him, but i am hanging to this hope that maybe he is going to be genuine this time and not be an asshole!!! AHHHH I should get the letter tomorrow. I will probably cry if its something bad, hes fucked with me so much. I'd say hes the reason I cut myself... well the inevitable cause, more than the reason. My life was the reason. But anyways... I want to get inside his head as much as I want him to disappear. Which I shouldn't even have this problem. I am inlove with Harley and in a decent relationship for once, but since its me I have these little side distractions, which are just bullshit.
I keep on wanting to run off and hide.
CLINTON is the place to hide. He is such a source of comfort. But everytime I want to go see him, hes got something to do. Either hes avoiding me or life is just fucking with me. I know I could sit in a room with Clinton, listening to music, or something of equal trivial value and be perfectly happy. I wouldn't even have to speak. Just Clinton, music and a room. Beautiful things are always relaxing.
So Clinton if you have read this... write me or call me or something.
time will tell with Caleb, in I guess less than 24 hours I will have that letter and even though it'll probably break me, atleast it'll be the LAST time. I can't take that shit anymore. I really want closure, but its hard to get something you can't even identify. wish me luck world, save my heart!!!!
Love, ME
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| Monday, October 1st, 2001
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7:39 pm
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Well my last entry was shit...and it was written an awful while ago...
I am with Harley now..its been a good experience thus far. Its been really hard, but at the same time so new and so comforting. My virginity is about thrown out in a few weeks I think...already its hard to stop ourselves, but I know I am so emotionally attatched that there is no way I can have sex and then get up and act like nothing happened...especially if he said some asshole thing, that'd break my heart...or should I say shatter...its already broke.
Even though I am with someone-I still believe in the fact that Chad is the one I should end up with in the end of it all. And well Clinton...even though he doesn't care anymore, is still the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I really grew to just adore him this summer. You don't meet someone so amazing just any day...it doesn't happen like that. Well there isn't much else to say, my passion is where it lies and I can't wait till wrestling season even though thats gonna hurt Harley and I, but all I can do is try and make it through, I don't think he'll last though...it'll kill him inside.
Clinton- if you read this...I hope you know I still love you!!! your life better be top of the line fucking fantastic and where the fuck is my dyke cereal???? bye!! Love, ME
current mood:  indescribable
current music: H.- Tool
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| Monday, September 3rd, 2001
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8:09 pm
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Blah! This is completely ridiculous! I guess when I say this, I am referring to my life in general...
For the first time in my life I have options on whom to date, HARLEY, DJ OR CHRIS, but of course I have decided on HARLEY and yet even then I am completely confused on if thats the right choice, all the while wondering how to let the others down easy.
But because its my life I still find myself remembering what I lost last spring. VINCENT.
He stopped talking to me and we never had a conversation as to why. Just nothing. I still wear his ring and Snatch talked to him on Friday and the fact I still wear it, was fine to him. He apparently "lost my number". Oh well...I still love him and think of him all the time.
Oh and BUBBA, well I had two chances with him, both I didn't take...we had a conversation the other night that makes me think he may give me a third soon. To not take someting three times in a row...would I dare?
But lets not forget that I am still set on the idea that CHAD is the guy for me in life. No one comes close to being as complete than him.
And one more lined up... CLINTON, I will never find beauty like that again. So with all these people in mind I am completely taken with confusion, frusteration and anxiety on what exactly I should be doing.
But even with this being the worst of emotional states...today still is... September 3rd. And on this day in 1985, Clinton Pena was born. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLINTON!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
I suppose that was a good way to end this strange journal entry...I either sound like a slut or a person with extreme personality disorders...I think I'll go with the 2nd choice, I am too scared to be a slut! Love, ME
current mood:  horny
current music: Pardon Me- Incubus
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| Thursday, August 30th, 2001
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9:02 pm
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Well this weekend is turning out to be completely psycho. Harley, my mom, Michael and I are all supposed to go to San Antonio for this motocross race. Well...might be rained out. No one knows yet...I am so fucking tired! I have gotten like 14 out of the 32 recommended hours. Thats kind of sad. I have been sick and I end up talking to Harley for hours on the damn phone. I don't understand our discusions. Why does he think such wonderful things about me? THERE IS NOTHING THERE!!! That is so apparent to everyone. Oh well there is nothing I can do. I can't stop his insanity...though I can crush it with my own. We are supposed to be on this like trial relationship or some shit this weekend (my idea)
I am just not going to jump into anything without testing the water. I am not in the mood to be hurt again.
So much bullshit, my entire life is this whole waste of time, waste of space... I don't even tollerate myself anymore. I am so damn tired...I am practically about to pass out...so Bye. Love, ME
current mood:  exhausted
current music: NickelBack- The State
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| Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
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10:10 pm - Confessions.... well...here we go again...
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So lets see...
Harley: I like this 22 yearold alot. He'd be so good for me...but daddy says no...so that idea is fucked.
I keep on thinking maybe I should sneak around my dad...but deception never seems to get me anywhere.
Caleb: Still tortures me daily with his control over me. I am his little symbol monkey..I wish he would stop winding me up! I am getting tired! A whole year of his mind games and his eyes... I don't know how I am going to manage.
Clinton: Thats a dead end road. Inlove with someone you can never have...OUCH...thats just a repeated stab in the heart... I keep on looking for the path on which I got to this point...???
Even now as a friend I think I now realize I will probably never see him again...unless its some weird coincidence that he is driving past me or something. But to just go out and hang around somewhere and do anything....well thats just not gonna happen. I do miss his face.
Rachael is so freaking crazy sometimes...she really is. She is on this path to self-destruction and all I can do is just sit back and watch. I am muted to her common sense hearing or something... blah I feel sick. Love, ME
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2001
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9:40 pm - Lets see where my opinions lie on my 17th birthday....Whoop-Dee-FUCKIN-Doo!!
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01. Time you started: 9:41 pm
02. Name: Sara
03. Nicknames: Sare-Bear, Dyke, OCD
04. screename[s]: jalobey31chawn eyesofatragedy heavenlyhell tigerlilly31 etc
05. Ethnicity: 25% Korean, 25% Irish, and 50% Enlgish.
06. Grade: 12th
07. GPA: 3.7 or something
08. Sex: female
09. Birthdate: August 19th, 1984 (ToDaY!)
10. Zodiac sign: Leo
11. Current Location: Leander, Texas
12. Height: 5'2
13. Hair Color: strawberry brown
14. Eye Color: hazel...usually green
15. Siblings: An older step sister(20)
16. Crush: Caleb, Clinton, Kyle....
17. Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Apparently never
18. If you could go out with anyone in the world, who would it be? Probably Clinton -it'd mean he'd gotten over his fears and that'd be great
19. Memory you miss most? I guess for this summer....I miss the light on Clinton's face
20. Memory you would like to forget: The day Caleb said he never wanted to talk to me again
21. What'd you do yesterday: Went to a football scrimage, went shopping and then sat on my ass for the rest of the day
22. Last person you talked to on the phone: Snatch
23. Last thing you said: "We are out here eating crickets." my stupid dog was eating a cricket...
24. Last song you listened to: Adema-Giving In
25. Food: anything italian...or cheesecake
26. Drink: mocha..or anything with alcohol in it
27. Color: orange
28. Day of the week: Friday
29. Month: October
30. Number: 21
31. Holiday: Labor Day
32. Cookie: M&M
33. Toothpaste: Crest-baking soda kind
34. Ice Cream: Coffee
35. Candy bar: special dark
36. Favorite channel: MTV2
37. Shampoo/Conditioner: whatever smells good
38. Songs: 3 Libras, Orestes, Magdalena, Hollow-APC, Like spinning plates, knives out, how to disappear completely, creep, karma police, fake plastic trees, i might be wrong-radiohead, nothing else matters, unforgiven-metalica, november rain-guns and roses, possum kingdom-toadies, to forgive, zero, bullet with butterfly wings, today, lily-pumpkins, the perfect drug-NIN, the warmth, i miss you, pardon me-incubus, leader of men, breathe, cowboy hat, how you remind me-nickelback, ETC
47. Been on a plane: Yes
48. Cried in public: Yes
49. Climbed a tree: Yes
50. Eaten A Worm: other than the gummy kind...no
51. Kissed a guy/girl: yes
52. Met a celebrity: not really...just local celebs
53. Met the president: hell no
54. Been scared you'd be shot? every once in a while...
55. Gone skinny dipping: yep its fun
56. Gotten Drunk: yep..loved every time
57. Skipped school: nope
[What Do You Think Of When You Hear... ]
74. Bill Clinton: motherfucker has my b-day :(
75. Lollipops: watermelon
76. Dreams: unpredictable
77. Love: always onesided
78. Whipped Cream: ooohhh kinky possibility
79. Christina Aguilera: slut who thinks shes black
80. South Park: fucked up little kids
81. Guys: why can't i be a lesbian??? lol
82. Girls: i hate the way we are
83. Death: inevitable
[The "Which Would You Rather" Side ]
84. Dog/Cat: cat-such a simple life
85. Blue/Purple: dark blue
86. Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate flavour, but smooth as vanilla skin
87. Pen/Pencil: Pen-blue ink
88. Do you have a computer? I don't know, lemme check.
89. Last time you showered: 20 minutes ago
90. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? white..I am invisable
91. How many buddies do you have on your buddy listed? I HATE AIM!!!
92. Do you like this survey? survey: ya I guess
93. One pillow or two? two...just in case
95. How long are you in the shower: 20-40 minutes
96. How do you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup: top first...then the bottom
97. What does your screen name(s) mean? heavenlyhell...well its just oxymoron I guess...
98. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?: does it seem like i have the time to count something so pointless?
99. Do you like the person that sent you this: I stole it
101. Who do you hate: ignorant stupid people that have no common sense or lack an open mind for anything... and judge based on looks...DAMN PEOPLE SUCK!!!
102. Time you finished: 10:01pm
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| Friday, August 17th, 2001
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10:47 pm
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Blah! Thats the only term for this week. Long and stupid...but hey its over and its my birthday weekend...I am pretty stoked about that! I get my boots too :) I can't wait!!!
Ah clinton leaves tomorrow... I am gonna try not to worry, but its hard to not worry about someone you love...it just doesn't work too well.
I get to see John tomorrow...I haven't seen him in forever! Him and Jessica are just awesome people! They are so much fun...I can finally see Anderson football..maybe i'll find some guy I can fail with...wouldn't that be normal!!!
I am really sleepy...but I am sure that once I lay down Harley will call and want to have some guilt ridden conversation or Kyle will call and want to complain about how Rachael doesn't want him or something. I wouldn't mind talking to Harley...hes so open..I love that about him. It makes it really easy for me to see him and help him with everything... i wish more people could be that way, but i suppose thats a big change for anyone..but eventually everyone has to open up i guess...atleast about something...but hey thats just a theory. Well I should go before I start wandering off into typing confusing non-sense because I am so delerious...blah blah blah blah!! Great word blah!! Love, ME
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2001
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8:23 pm
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clinton is happy :) thats so great! i wish i was...he keeps on talking about how much he loves his friends...i just wish he loved me :(
i love all of my friends too...they are great people! i am super worried about rachael/snatch though...she is being slutty lately and it scares me...i know shes being used and yet she does it anyway...it makes no sense...
maybe this day is just a depressing one but i feel like nobody cares...i mean yeah people talk to me and they are my friends...but there is no one thats really connecting to me. i connected to clinton super fast...but a onesided connection gets you no where...so here i am stuck feeling so amazed by him and his beauty, yet i am just his ex-drivers friend in his book...ahhhhhhh
i hate myself...my therapist says i need to think that i am ok looking and an ok person, but i am not...i know that and so does everyone else thats rejected me... this pity party is getting me nowhere but i feel better to complain so i will...
this loneliness and this aching hollow feeling has got to end somewhere...but no one wants me
blah bleh bluh!!!!!! there mixed it up a bit...
so many dyke big birds... and WAY too many purple fuzzy elephants from Denmark..or was it sweden??
Ah its all nuts to me! Love, ME
current mood:  crushed
current music: nonstop music marathon 93.7 KLBJ
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| Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
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9:33 pm
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there are definately some people that are ment to be alone. they are better off to sit around and help others and fret in their own misery. they cannot change who they are and who they are isn't ever good enough.
i know i can do great things for people, i can make people smile and feel good about themselves...but to have someone actually do things for me and love me and want to be with me is just so far behond an realistic grasp its sad. i have tried to be the best person i can be for someone and i have failed miserably. i have seen a person that is so beautiful i can barely understand how i was lucky enough to ever meet him. i wish i could be someone else...someone that could take it all away from him....every fear, every lost hope, every insecurity would just melt away just because i could be whatever he needed me to be... i hope he finds that... but i can never be that person.
everyone around me is still stuck in that plastic bullshit world and i pity everyone, especially myself for having to bare witness to it all. the crowded hallways full of people with dying souls and not a single thread of selfexpression, only their labels and logos....some desperate plea to find themselves through something stronger. it really is a horrid nightmare. i think if i hadn't of met clinton and saw what it was like to take such joy in wearing things just because you like it, or to hate everything about yourself and still have such a radiant glow around you. that is completely clinton to me. i would be ten times more angry and still stuck in my fear to have to be someone i don't think i am... but not anymore and even though he was just there as a symbol of all of this, and that this was brought on by a long time coming of crap from all the bullshit fakers, i still think he's an inspiration for me.
on another note...yet again its one more dreadful birthday...this time number 17... i still am the same failure i was last year or even 5 years ago...everyone keeps asking what i want for my birthday...i don't deserve anything...so how can i think of that. i mean i guess i could think of things i've wanted for a while that randomly float through my mind like a tool cd or a new necklace that had could have meaning for me... but thats just crap...its just material items that i don't deserve to have... i really hate my birthday...i am waiting for that critical speach from my rents...hopefully i can choke back my tears like i did last year...
harley wants to get me these red plaid pants with zippers and pins in them... they are pretty awesome, but i won't let him spend the money...before he wanted to buy me a leather outfit...thats gotta be some sort of fantasy...the boy is so dillusioned when it comes to what he sees in me...there isn't anything there to like/love or be attracted to...i've told him that a million times....seizes to work :(
i think right now i just want someone to care about. where i can go and be around them and just be able to feel closeness. someone who will let me play with their hair and play with mine and maybe be happy just being able to sit there and play with my fingers...something simple and sweet...but WHO???!!!???!!!
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Everything I said is just crap...ahh tomorrow...just another day... Love, ME
current music: probably radiohead later before i go to sleep
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| Monday, August 13th, 2001
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8:50 pm
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Blah! School starts tomorrow...i was on the phone last night from 11-5am...with Harley, Clinton, then Harley again and then Rachael. Harley went to work at 4:30...he never went to sleep..but he kept on saying it was ok...I still feel bad...i hope hes not too tired...i felt dead this morning...but tonight I won't be doing that...i just want to talk to Clinton...make sure his day was good...
Ahhhh I am not ready to go back!! But Jessica is in my Clincals class :) yay!! I love her to death!!
So everyone at the mototrack thinks snatch and i are bisexual...thats intresting... bestfriends being goofy walking around holding hands and braiding hair....and suddenly i am bi...people are such idiots...i don't really care...its funny to watch people react so strangely...
So my dad won't let me see Harley... I am mad, but at the same time relieved...I mean he likes me soooo much...he thinks I am perfect...with all my flaws..even the cutting...it doesn't matter to him...its so strange...i can't understand that nor really accept it. I am so used to people cutting me down, rejecting me and playing mind games...having someone actually care is just unnatural...
I wish Clinton would...nevermind..i can't even write that now...it will just upset me.
AHHHHHH I saw Caleb today...I felt that same empty hollow aching in my chest...i was hoping he still wouldn't be such a source of pain...but yeah he is :( He was friendly...he asked me how my summer was...so maybe things will change... I hope everyone has changed... well..we will see...
Oh well..here we go again (thats my catch phrase I swear!) Love, ME
current mood:  anxious
current music: Tool-Schizm....101X
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| Sunday, August 12th, 2001
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2:10 am
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Well well well...Ryan is mad at me and Harley thinks I am perfect...what has the world come to? I had this whole long dicussion with Harley about how I couldn't see that in myself and him thinking such great things about me never really sink in because I have no reason to believe him...
I sounded JUST like Clinton come to think of it...
so now I feel like I relate to what Clinton was trying to tell me..or something...
Ryan being pissed off about Harley and I is bullshit...I mean I love Ryan...hes so awesome! Hes fun to talk to, funny, sweet, etc... I love being around him...but yet he won't let me be his friend because he hates the fact I am "with" Harley...which isn't even the case...I am not with anyone. If I were to devote my time and attention to anyone...Clinton is by far the most worthy..he just doesn't see that..oh well..I'll get over it.
Harley...now wow... I have never had someone tell me they think I am perfect...never had someone care about me so quickly..hes seen me 4 times! I asked him what he wanted..he answered simply with "you"
What the hell am I supposed to do with that? He was willing to forfit the race just to talk to me...he'd practically walk through fire for me and I didn't do a damn thing to deserve that...???
Its all so strange..I need time to talk and reflect...Love, ME
current mood: indescribable
current music: Nirvana
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| Friday, August 10th, 2001
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11:45 pm
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so i am standing at this two way split in the road....i adore clinton so much...i love talking to him and being there for him...
but he can't be with me for reasons he can't even help...and i find that painful...how selfish am i?
i can stop talking to him and get over him...thats always an option...but i know i can't live with that because hes such a light for me in this world...even with rejection there is beauty...
Love Me!
current mood: rejected
current music: about to be a perfect circle...or clinton's pick...
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10:56 am
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Ahhhh I am worried about Clinton...I don't want him taking those pills...and he doesn't want me to cut...yet again there is some confusing issue here...even Maynard's voice is having difficulty calming me down on this...
I just want him to be happy...that is all... I just wish it was a less destructive way... Blah...Josh is coming to pick me up...hes making me go to practice.!!! URGH!!! Love, ME
current mood:  stressed
current music: Some rap shit on MTV2
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| Thursday, August 9th, 2001
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11:53 pm
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Well okay...so I thought I was going crazy...after seeing things in a red tint last night..whoa that was a bit weird. I feel like I am on the edge...maybe not...but I don't know how much more I can bend...
I worry that clinton feels obligated to talk to me. I mean I am a fountain of problems and he has ALOT too...but mine always get in the way and I end up making him feel bad....eeeek! I never want to cause a bad feeling of any kind in him...thats just horrible to even think about.
But Clinton is always a small side problem and I don't know why I can't write in this and not mention his name... this is crazy! Most people don't fret this much over a boyfriend and I do it so much over just a friend...ahhhhh!!!
BLAH!!!
I don't want to go crazy and its really scary that I feel like I am so close to that... stability was never my middle name or anything...but there is much to fear...
Well I guess I will go lay in my bed and fret silently...or maybe call rachael or clinton who knows...Love, ME
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1:39 pm
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I feel like crying...think I will... I am so fucking weak... i am being punished...fate or something... its punishing me. It gives me the most beautiful, complicated, unattainable and impossible to break open person alive. So what am I doing still killing myself??
I can't give up, I can't let it go...its all a bunch of can'ts in my life... especially with this... i want to cut so bad... but i don't want to go to shoal creek! Fuck it... I gotta go get ready...Love, ME
current mood: melancholy
current music: A Perfect Circle...as always :)
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| Wednesday, August 8th, 2001
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11:39 pm
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Ah I am listening to radiohead...they are such a great band. Makes me cry everytime though...its odd...guess that just means they are gifted in setting an emotional state with music. But you can practically feel Thom Yorke's mood with each song. What an amazing person!
Not as great as Clinton..well maybe because I don't know Thom personally...but even then Clinton is just too great! I wish I knew him better...but I've only known him for about 2 months maybe...so I can't say much about that..he'll tell me what he wants to tell me and he'll share his feelings when he feels its necessary. I've completely accepted that.
I don't know why I am thinking about this... he always keep a constant spot in my mind... not to where I think of him all the time, but enough to where I wonder if hes happy or having fun, etc. The sad part is that he doesn't really seem to notice how much I care about him and how much I adore him... thats gotta be my fault some how...
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.
-3 Libras...a perfect circle
2nd time i've used lyrics from this song...such a great song...
But that song defines Clinton for me...most definately. Then theres Maynard of all people singing the words and that song just effects me so much emotionally.
So I saw Snatch today...that was nice...but she had told me that she told a guy that wants to meet me now...that I was in touch with myself...I wonder if thats true. I think I am completely confuse myself with the way I feel... yet she thinks I am in touch with that. I guess in some ways thats right... I can describe anything with great detail and I let music and beautiful scenes/people completely encase me..so maybe I am in touch with that....but not myself I don't think...
Motocross is this weekend :) I get to see my buddy Harley!! I am so excited...I just wonder if its gonna be like the last race there. 1 am, dark parking area, rain and a very intresting kiss...ahhhh I wonder if I want that?? How can I want that when I think I am pretty much inlove with someone else... see right here is the perfect example...I have confusing feelings...AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh well...I am sleepy...Love, ME
current mood: indescribable
current music: Amnesiac- Radiohead
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
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9:36 pm
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Yeah!!!! Jon just called me :)
I am so happy :) He just called to tell me that I was still his buddy, that I was hot and that he loved me :) The highlight of my day :)
Now I am talking to Chris and Allison online.. its good catching up with people from school...so odd how people haven't changed a bit. I've been to hell and back again..numerous times actually...so I am a bit different. I mean here I am pretty much inlove with Clinton..a guy thats everything opposite of my normal attraction...but damn that makes him so great. Clinton...what can I possibly do about Clinton??? I am so confused about him...yet hes confused by my feelings for him..so its this huge confusing ordeal...ahhhh!!! I mean I just want to be like I like you...do you like me..but thats so fucking generic and immature....and plus I couldn't handle a no...not from Clinton...my heart could never handle that.
Here is the perfect song for my feelings...
3 Libras
threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.
He doesn't see me...or atleast...it feels that way. I just wish he did...but to have those eyes look at me...the eyes... ah the eyes of a fallen angel :) Love, ME
current mood: disappointed
current music: A Perfect Circle...
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12:02 am - so hollow
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Oh my...this is just a horrible feeling....I just poured out to Clinton how much I liked him and everything and oh my good god...i should have known I wasn't good enough...why did I have to open my big mouth?? i mean how did i even imagine having such beauty so near...its impossible..for I am me...whats wrong with me? i mean yes i know i am not pretty enough for him and i am sure as hell not thin enough...so i guess i just answered my own question. what an idiot am i? ... i think i am gonna go listen to maynard james keenan sing and try not to cry...this has been an embarassing event...and I have to get up at 6 am...ah the joys of my life...no matter what I do or say i always fall short when it comes to guys...i hate this, i hate myself and i wish i could take it all away...goodnight...Love, ME
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| Monday, August 6th, 2001
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7:07 pm - Bittersweet Chemistry
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So today is great and today is horrid. I don't know really what to think...I got to see a bunch of my friends when I was up at the school...I even got to see my buddy Jon who I adore to death!! And I got to eat pineapple pizza...so it was good. But in the back of my mind I am still bitter about something... its like I want to scream about everything... but I am mute. I am still twisted on the concept of me having to realize that there are just some things in my life that will never come true/happen. I will not have that love I imagine and well being someone's reason for contentment...thats not really all that possible either...but hey...I hate to use this quote...but they say even the beautiful sometimes break the mirror...I suppose that mirror would be my heart and soul...or maybe just my eyes... the things reflected in them have only caused me pain...so much beauty lies there...yet so much pain encases it... it marvels me...
I don't understand myself...or anything else...but other people...I swear I know other people better than I know myself...
I actually really think people find themselves through the eyes of others...but its just yet another thought. I am never 100% on anything.
Blah! I am just complaining now...
This evenings disparagement is too much to take...
Love, ME
current mood:  apathetic
current music: Like Spinning Plates- Radiohead
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| Sunday, August 5th, 2001
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7:51 pm
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I am back from the beach!! It was SOOOO beautiful!! At night there was a full bright silvery moon and it shimmered over the water and it was like millions of tiny stars just floating aimlessly. It was amazing!! I got sunburnt...but oh well I had a great time. I had alot of time to think and just relax which is what I needed. Well I gotta go back to my Dad's now...will write more later. Bye...Love, ME
current mood:  relieved
current music: 3 Libras- A Perfect Circle
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